Anxiety

When dealing with anxiety, you must examine it to know from whence it originates. I have 3 levels or types of anxiety I recognize- decision anxiety, performance anxiety, life anxiety. Each has its own causes and tactics for dealing with them.

Decision Anxiety

When I am faced with a decision and don’t know what to do, I feel anxious about making the right decision. Anxiety about forgetting things and losing things fits into this type as well. The intensity of the anxiety can be illustrated by this formula:
Importance x Uncertainty = Anxiety

The more important something is and/or the more uncertain I am about it amplifies my anxiety. No one can have all the knowledge in the universe to make an informed decision about anything. Even the best-laid plans can be derailed by the smallest thing. I know I try to make the best decision I can at the time given the information I have at hand and I allow myself to make mistakes.

When someone makes a big deal about my mistakes, I limit my contact with that person. I know the things I have done wrong more than anyone else could even consider. I stick by my decisions as long as it is appropriate to do so and freely admit my mistakes. They are mine. This kind of anxiety is usually because of what others will think of me and perpetuated by my own mind. I learned to separate their opinions from my own mainly by being mindful of how I feel about things. I also allow those feelings to flow freely within myself. It doesn’t matter if the rest of the world knows what I am feeling as long as I do.

Performance Anxiety

My performance anxiety is self-driven. I feel like I need to justify my existence. I need to accomplish something useful or important every day. Just going to work doesn’t cut it for me. I need to learn something or create something every day. I feel guilty if I do nothing all day. I say things like, “At least I emptied the dishwasher and fixed that drawer.”

I have mitigated this type of anxiety by learning to allow myself to do nothing for a day and remembering to relish my slacking. Every other day, I do accomplish something. Now that I’m writing, I ensure that I write something every day and read something every day(even on my slacking days). This has helped stave off this type of anxiety sharply. How can I not feel good knowing in the last few weeks I’ve read my first Agatha Christie book and have written nearly twenty thousand words? It helps to know that I am the one causing the anxiety and this doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Isn’t it the definition of "driven?"




Life Anxiety

The last anxiety type may fall into the category of driven as well. My overarching life anxiety is always there whether I have made a good decision about something or had a very productive day.  Life anxiety is in 2 parts- not good enough and haven’t done enough. It comes from within myself but was initiated by my mother who through a bit of taunting made me want to know everything.

The portion of it says I’m not good enough. The eats away at you. It’s that feeling you came out of the oven burnt and nothing could be done to fix you. Something’s wrong, you’re defective. After I realized it came from her and I allowed myself to feel the anger for it, I felt better. I looked back at little me and knew he was not treated correctly and I advocate for him in my mind. This is the ‘getting in touch with your inner child’ that actually works.

She used to say I had so much potential. She was right about me having potential- I know it and can feel it. Sometimes it bothers me I have not accomplished very much in my life and I have made many mistakes. It has helped that I have done more in my last 6 years than my whole life it seems. Identifying goals and working toward them silences life anxiety. After all, success is nothing more than progress toward a worthy ideal.

I still feel all of these types of anxiety but I have gotten them to tolerable levels and I even use them motivate me when I can.

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